It is a thing!
Children and teens have a condition that makes them roll their eyes. I’m serious. I, sometimes, have it as an adult as well. Is there medication for it? I don’t think so. Symptoms are: The eyes roll straight up and then to one side and may be accompanied by a deep sigh of exasperation. It occurs when a person in authority makes a request or gives a direction related to behavior or expectations. Then, the eye roll follows by the recipient of the request or demand, and may sometimes be followed by the words, “no, I will not.”
What happens next? Well, let’s just say, the adult who made the demand suddenly loses all vestiges of self-control in response to the eye roll and accompanied refusal to comply. In other words, it gets ugly. Eye-roll-itis has consequences for everyone. The purveyor of the eye roll is punished by the recipient of the eye roll. The recipient can be frustrated and down, too. Is this exchange helpful? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Does eye-roll-itis continue?
If defiance continues, then there may be something more serious at the root and more support may be needed. It really isn’t something to dismiss or stringently punish without understanding more. Is there frequent arguing/resentment, breaking the rules, and extreme anger or retaliation? Could depression or another feeling or condition be at the root (anger is typically a secondary emotion, meaning there is usually another emotion under anger)? Is punishment even helpful?
What are some other options? Boundaries should be clearly discussed as well as related consequences (versus the term “punishment”). Sometimes we make assumptions that kids understand the rules yet there has never been a concrete discussion. Additionally, are we consistent with the rules and are both parents on the same page? “You need to be home by 11 or else” is not really clear. What’s the consequence of being 15 minutes late and why is the rule there? Are there exceptions to this rule and how should the exceptions be handled? Additionally, disrespect (eye-roll-itis) can be discussed and clear boundaries set relative to proper respect as well. The consequence should not be uber stringent (like “you’ll never use electronics again”). There should be a way out meaning they can earn the item back. Enlist the teen in on the conversation of rules and consequences.
During the discussion of boundaries, assure them of your love and that they don’t have to be perfect. You might additionally check if something is going on at school. Are they experiencing bullying, issues with friendships or academics, or lack of acceptance? Build communication by routinely asking them….”what are 3 of their worries, 3 things that are going well, and 3 wishes.” Or, what is the “rose” of the day as well as the “thorn” of the day? Have a daily or weekly check-in. We don’t know unless we ask. Connection routinely can make a difference.
Continued defiance may indicate an underlying mental health issue as well. For example, children diagnosed with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder or ADHD can have extreme or deep emotions (anxiety, anger). Oppositional defiance disorder or ODD is another condition that could impact parenting as well. Per the Mayo Clinic, ODD is characterized by “a frequent and ongoing pattern of anger, irritability, arguing and defiance toward parents and other authority figures (mild meaning only in one setting like home, moderate-2 settings, or severe-3 or more settings). Child counseling, particularly CBT, can help with self-regulation for extreme emotions (due to neurodiversity, trauma, or emotional need). We need to role model being calm even in the face of their dysregulation, too. If you need help with parent management, then Tennessee Voices offers parenting classes online (each state may have similar resources). For more intense need, then home ABA therapy (for Autism) or Youth Villages Intercept program (more intensive and at home) can be contacted. If one family member is in counseling, then it is usually helpful for all to receive help. Family counseling as well as individual counseling are good options. Call 988 if you need support and feel emotionally overwhelmed. You are not alone.
Last, prayer. It takes a village to raise kids so involvement in church can help us. We can talk with other parents, we can talk to the children’s ministry staff, and we can pray and ask for prayer. And prayers for you as a parent. It is a tough job and there is a no “how-to” book that comes with your specific child. Children are all unique and wonderfully made so as we “feel” our way through this parenting job, may God provide additional comfort and support to you. Perfection is not expected of you either. If someone is sitting in judgment of you, pray for them as well. It’s not fair for them to act as if they are perfect; They are not parenting your child (who is different from their child). They are not living life in your shoes. May we all seek to be compassionate with one another knowing that there are many perspectives (which are never the truth). God knows the truth: He loves you and chose your children for YOU to parent, so be encouraged today because you are wonderfully made as well……..eye rolls and all.
flourishings.blog 