Releasing Grief and Pain: Remove the Stinger (Rumination)

When a light ends too soon, we can get stuck ruminating. Merriam-Webster defines rumination as “to go over in the mind repeatedly and often casually or slowly.” We ruminateover what could have been or why something happened too soon (like a tragic death or accident). The “what ifs” of life haunt us.  Like “what if” they’d left later or sooner then they wouldn’t have been in the accident. 

We may become consumed replaying tragic or regretful moments over and over again in our head.  I should have said “I love you more.”  Regrets may consume us that there wasn’t enough time or that we didn’t get to hug them one last time. Or we may envision their last moments in pain. The woulda, shoulda, couldas of life just quite frankly suck …………these ”record player thoughts” hurt deeply.

How can we release grief and pain?  Two suggestions are cognitive restructuring and personal statements:

1. Cognitive restructuring through imagery:  Rather than thinking or imagining the worst point, what else could you imagine about the end of their life? Could you see them in Heaven being care-free, pain-free and just laughing and loving being with other loved ones?  Ask yourself, “what else” to break out of the rumination loop.

WE get stuck in belief patterns…”I shouldn’t be happy now that they’re not here.”  What would the loved person that you are missing say to you?  Would they tell you to stay unhappy or would they want you to get on with life and to enjoy happiness?  You don’t have to stay unhappy your whole life.

• What is a personal statement that you could craft that would help you feel balance or okay?  “I will live life with laughter and love to pay homage to my happy child.  They were always laughing or lifting others up.”

Finding meaning helps us in tragedies.  Honoring someone for their lives helps us to see the purpose and contributions that were made.  How can we pay homage to our loved ones?

Levi Luskos lost his daughter when she was 5.  He said that for a moment he was angry..He learned to not be angry at God but WITH God.  They were both angry together over sin in the world and death.  But God defeats death forever in the end.  There is hope when we believe in the power of the cross. Read Through the Eyes of a Lion: Facing Impossible Pain, Finding Incredible Power By: Levi Lusko, Steven Furtick

And, listen to this song …it will lift you up in the hurts today:  Oh Death by Mercy Me:  Bing Videos

Ways to honor loved ones:

1. Volunteering for organizations such as March of Dimes, Toys for Tots, Habitat for Humanity, or the ASPCA.
2. Donating to a charity.
3. Creating a fundraiser or hosting a charitable event in your loved one’s name.
4. Creating an advocacy group for a cause your loved one was passionate about.
5. Participating in a marathon.
6. Adopting a highway, park, or landmark in their name.

Need support?

988 is a great number to call or text when you are hurting and need to release the sting.  Additionally, you may text HOME to 741741.  These numbers can help us through the tough stuff.  Don’t do this alone.  Reach out to loved ones, to your pastor or to family and friends as well.  It’s okay to cry and feel your feelings, but don’t let it stop you.  Don’t stay stuck.  Remove the stinger.

(Excerpts taken from Two Cognitive Strategies to Help Disrupt Grief-Fueled Rumination )