What Ifs and Good-byes…..why do they hurt so much? And, what can I do?

Regret and grief wreak havoc on us emotionally. Two different feelings but each causing similar pain. Both are hurt feelings in the heart that just make you want to cry big tears.

Regret comes about when we think “what if I’d done this or that instead…….or what if that hadn’t happened.” We may ruminate over lost opportunities or friendships or words or time or events. And the “what ifs” don’t make life better as the thought of “what if” only serves the purpose of punishing ourselves endlessly. We beat ourselves up because we didn’t have a crystal ball of the future to prevent the bad circumstance. So, the frustration of things being out of our control or not knowing also creeps in.

Another thing we can’t control which can also bring frustration and pain is loss. I don’t like to say good-bye whether it be when I lose a friendship or a family member dying or a job. I want things to stay the same and it’s frustrating that I can’t change the situation or save the person. I don’t like saying good-bye. I’d rather avoid loss altogether and pretend it wasn’t happening. I’d rather crawl into a hole and just distract myself endlessly with a no-brain show. I don’t want to think about good-bye. I don’t want to say good-bye.

And as you’ve guessed, I’m in quite a bit of pain right now which makes one ask….how can I feel better when regret and loss intertwine? It’s tough especially during the holidays or events that bring people together. Put on that pretend mask that everything is okay. But I don’t want to today. I’d rather scream in frustration or cry or both.

Rumination, frustration, and avoidance are all unhealthy coping mechanisms. Acceptance that I feel regret and loss without judging the feelings or my thoughts is a better coping mechanism. Yes, it is painful, and I accept my feelings, especially since I can’t change the circumstances or spend more time with them. A friend changed my perspective recently….she said, “When my dad sees her (my relative) in Heaven, won’t they be smiling?” When I consider the positive reframing of a situation (another healthy coping mechanism), I can feel peace. Yes, there is something better. I’m glad for the times I’ve had, good and bad, as God plans to use them for good. He has a good plan, even in the tough stuff.